Queuejumper
I jump the queue, I jump the queue I jump the queue ‘cause I’m smarter than you I jump the queue, I jump the queue I jump the queue ‘cause I’m better than you Red lights - red lights are all I see Red lights - red lights don’t apply to me Red lights - red lights are just for you Red lights - you stop if you want to I jump the queue, I jump the queue I jump the queue ‘cause I’m smarter than you I jump the queue, I jump the queue I jump the queue ‘cause I’m better than you I’m better than you, I’m better than you I don’t have to play by the usual rules I take what I want ‘cause it’s there to be taken And you’re just jealous of the money I’m making Red lights - red lights are all I see Red lights - red lights don’t apply to me Red lights - red lights are just for you Red lights - you stop if you want to I’m gonna cruise on through - yeah I’m better than you, I’m better than you I don’t have to play by the usual rules I take what I want ‘cause it’s there to be taken And you’re just jealous of the money I’m making Red lights - red lights are all I see Red lights - red lights don’t apply to me Red lights - red lights are just for you Red lights - you stop because you want to
Office Politics
Intern chokes on his gooseberry fool Consternation in the typing pool Press the flesh, do the deal Book your place on the hamster wheel See that PowerPoint presentation Worthy of a BAFTA nomination Zero hours, maximum pressure You know what they say about business and pleasure Sir Hillary looks at them all and sighs Closes up the venetian blinds He made his fortune on the horses Using the rules of market forces He’s got his eye on a chap named Knox Sell his granny for some high yield stocks Always thinks outside the box Always wears hilarious socks Office politics… Christine thinks of the Christmas party Martini after Martini William tried but there was no stopping her Taking a ride on the photocopier ‘Live for now, bugger the future!’ Thus spake Zara Brewster She put the snaps on her Facebook page And got sacked the following day Office politics… Sir Hillary sighs, recalls the days You could use your position to get your way Now put your hand where it shouldn’t be And soon you’ll be on indefinite leave No use now for the old school tie Only the greedy need apply Another intern chokes on his gooseberry fool Mild amusement in the typing pool Office politics…
Norman And Norma
Norman and Norma got married in Cromer April 1983 It could have been warmer but Norman and Norma Were happy as they’d ever been They flew to Majorca and swam in the water It felt just like having a bath The piña coladas hit Norma hard And she fell into bed with a laugh And she said… Oh, Norman, it’s never ever felt like this before And oh, Norman, I’ve never really known your kiss before Oh no, Norman, Norman… Norman and Norma had three lovely daughters Nadia, Nora and Niamh The firm Norma worked at wouldn’t take her back After maternity leave They dreamt of Majorca but couldn’t afford to go On Norman’s salary So they went to Cromer, got double pneumonia And Norma remembered when she used to say… Oh, Norman, it’s never ever felt like this before And oh, Norman, I’ve never really known your kiss before Oh no, Norman, Norman… Twenty years on and the children have gone And they’re both at a bit of a loss They’ve tried salsa classes and growing tomatoes But nothing is getting them off Then one day in Clacton there’s a re-enactment Of Normans and Saxons, and this Gets their juices flowing, before long they’re going And fighting like it’s 1066! And she says… Oh, Norman, it’s never ever felt like this before And oh, Norman, I’ve never really known such bliss before Oh no, Norman…
Absolutely Obsolete
You used to tell me that you loved me, but now I know You have been trying to get rid of me from the word go I wasn’t so surprised to know an app could do my job You’ll find me in the bargain bin at the Oxfam shop I’m… Absolutely obsolete Please shut the door and take a seat We’re sad to say that you’re completely Absolutely obsolete - absolutely obsolete We know that you’ll land on your feet Clear out your desk and leave discreetly Absolutely obsolete I always thought we had a funny relationship I would do the work that made the money, and you’d spend it And though I know I was a lowly cog in your machine You said that I was still a vital member of your team I’m… Absolutely obsolete Please shut the door and take a seat We’re sad to say that you’re completely Absolutely obsolete - absolutely obsolete We know that you’ll land on your feet Clear out your desk and leave discreetly Absolutely obsolete If I could only turn the clock back to a better time When the world was black and white And we all had roles to play Now it’s all just shades of grey I’m obsolete…
Infernal Machines
You used to tell me that you loved me, but now I know You have been trying to get rid of me from the word go I wasn’t so surprised to know an app could do my job You’ll find me in the bargain bin at the Oxfam shop I’m… Absolutely obsolete Please shut the door and take a seat We’re sad to say that you’re completely Absolutely obsolete - absolutely obsolete We know that you’ll land on your feet Clear out your desk and leave discreetly Absolutely obsolete I always thought we had a funny relationship I would do the work that made the money, and you’d spend it And though I know I was a lowly cog in your machine You said that I was still a vital member of your team I’m… Absolutely obsolete Please shut the door and take a seat We’re sad to say that you’re completely Absolutely obsolete - absolutely obsolete We know that you’ll land on your feet Clear out your desk and leave discreetly Absolutely obsolete If I could only turn the clock back to a better time When the world was black and white And we all had roles to play Now it’s all just shades of grey I’m obsolete…
You’ll Never Work In This Town Again
You wanted a life of ease A world free of drudgery Everything done by machines You wanted a life of ease Now you’ll never work in this town again You’ll never work in this town again No, no Ned Ludd was a working man Things changed and it forced his hand He took a hammer and he made a stand ‘Cause Ned Ludd was a working man Now you’ll never work in this town again You’ll never work in this town again You wanted a life of ease A world free of drudgery Everything done by machines Well here it is, your life of ease That crazy algorithm has you in its sway It’s making the decisions for you every day You’re living in a prison of your own design That crazy algorithm’s making up your mind You’ll never work in this town again, girl You’ll never work in this town again You’ll never work in this town again, boy You’ll never work in this town again No, no…
Psychological Evaluation
Creativity? Minimal, vague Viewing? Big Bang Theory mostly. And BBC4 documentaries about transport infrastructure Cleanliness? I had a shower this morning, erm. Although I think I forgot to brush my teeth Physical wellbeing? Tired. Limp. Better than yesterday Reading? I’m reading Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens in very short nightly doses Sociability? Fear of social transgression with resulting isolation Subject is male and caucasian, lacking in weight and elevation When faced with fear and confusion resorts to romantic illusion Cannot do simple equations, but prone to self-congratulation Too soon to draw a conclusion regarding human evolution Dreams? Oh, the usual; hanging from high places, or lingering in endless post office queues Diet? Brown Waste products? Firm, if slightly irregular Emotions? Hmmm… Subject is male and caucasian, lacking in weight and elevation When faced with fear and confusion resorts to romantic illusion Cannot do simple equations, but prone to self-congratulation Too soon to draw a conclusion regarding human evolution Emotions? You asked me that already. I’m fine… I think Self-image? Room for improvement Aspirations? To take more train journeys. And to be kinder Regrets? I’ve had a few. Should have learned French… Listening? Human League, OMD, Kraftwerk, Soft Cell, Japan, Eurythmics, Depeche Mode, Gary Numan, Heaven 17, Pet Shop Boys, Buggles, Ultravox, Yazoo, Art Of Noise, Blancmange, Thomas Dolby, Frankie Goes To Hollywood, Landscape, M, New Musik, Propaganda, Visage, Yello…
The Synthesiser Service Centre Super Summer Sale
We’ve Akai and Alesis, Arturia and ARP We’ve Emulator, Oberheim and Aries We’ve Minimoog and Polymoog and Moog Modular And our Moogerfooger envelopes are scary We’ve every Korg you’ll ever need, M1 to MS20 We’ve Volca, Delta, Trinity and Triton There’s Prophecy and Odyssey and microKorgs aplenty There’s black and brown and grey and red and white ones You won’t believe the prices, you’ll be glad that you availed Of the Synthesiser Service Centre Super Summer Sale We’ve 101s and 303s and 505s galore We’ve 607080909s We’ve Siel and Solina and Suzuki Omnichords And of course Sequential Circuits Prophet 5 We’ve Fairlight, Future Retro and Formanta Polivoks We’ve Delaware, Synare and Ensoniqs We’ve Boss and Brute and Buchla and Bananas by the box We’ve PPG’s and Gleeman Pentaphonics Come on down, shop around, be like Nine Inch Nails At the Synthesiser Service Centre Super Summer Sale We’ve Kurzweil, Karmas, K2000s, Tempests and Bontempis We’ve Jens, GEMs, Jupiters and Junos We’ve GX1s, DX1s, DX7s, CS80s We’ve every single synthesiser you know From Taurus to Andromeda, Synclavier to Nord Lead This Synthi AKS has just arrived We’ve got a mint condition EMS VCS3, but… Here’s a Casio MT45 You won’t believe the prices, you’ll be glad that you availed Of the Synthesiser Service Centre Super Summer Sale We’ve warranties and guarantees in case your filters fail At the Synthesiser Service Centre Super Summer Sale
The Life And Soul Of The Party
I am my own invention I am a one man show The centre of attention Bathing in the glow I’m making conversation I’m talking really fast I’m saying things that’ll come back To bite me in the ass I am the life and soul of the party… Tell me what makes you tick Let me pick your brains I wanna drive my artic Down your memory lane I’ve got a million questions I could go on for years I wanna make a connection And dribble in your ear I am the life and soul of the party… Though I can hardly stagger I’m taking to the floor I’ve got them moves like Jagger After a drink or four I do not like this music I’m gonna intervene Just put my pod on shuffle I’ve got every song there has ever been I am the life and soul of the party… I’m saying stupid things now I’m playing stupid games I’m spilling people’s drinks now I’m dropping people’s names I’m stumbling over sentences I’m talking to my beer I’m mumbling to myself because I’m all alone in here
A Feather In Your Cap
A feather in your cap, an indent on your pillow Something you can brag about to all your friends A feather in your cap, a notch upon your bedpost How did I compare? Marks out of ten? A feather in your cap, a shining badge of honour A tasty little snack to have between your meals A name that you can add to your list of lovers I only wish you had informed me of the deal And though it hurts like hell it’s not the end of the world I won’t come beating down your door I should have known that you were only after one thing I just expected something more I hope that you’ll forgive me if the next time we meet I don’t pretend to be ok And if it makes you feel uncomfortable You can always walk away Just walk away… A feather in your cap, a footnote in your memoir A holiday snap at the bottom of a drawer That one day you’ll look at with just a tinge of sorrow Throw it in the trash and get yourself a beer
I’m A Stanger Here
Excuse me madam, would you mind Sparing a moment of your time I wandered off the beaten track And now I can’t find my way back Excuse me sir, may I intrude I hope you do not think me rude I went out for a loaf of bread Now everything I love is dead I’m a stranger here, I’m a stranger here You can tell from my voice and my clothing of choice I’m a stranger here I’m a stowaway from the olden days And I’ll play you a song from the place I come from If you like When I was young they said to me This way towards modernity So if you ask where I come from I’ll say “the past” And wander on I’m a stranger here, I’m a stranger here You can tell from my tie and the fear in my eye I’m a stranger here I’m a stowaway from the olden days And I’ll play you a song from the place I come from If you like, if you like If you like
Dark Days Are Here Again
Now is the winter of our discontent The good times came and then the good times went The college fund has gone to pay the rent This is the day we thought could never come The day a veil was drawn across the sun To hide the darkness in the hearts of men Dark days are here again What happened to the world I used to know Where people seemed to share a common goal Now we’re just numbers to be bought and sold Now is the winter of our discontent The good times came and then the good times went And culture’s capital is all but spent Dark days are here again
Philip And Steve’s Furniture Removal Company
Idea for a sitcom: Philip and Steve’s Furniture Removal Company Based on the early lives of Philip Glass and Steve Reich in New York in the 60’s Many hilarious gags about the repetitive nature of the work And the phases that Steve’s life goes through Theme tune would be a bit like this… Philip and Steve’s furniture removal company Philip and Steve’s furniture removal company Philip and Steve’s furniture removal company Philip and Steve’s furniture removal company Philip and Steve’s furniture removal company Philip and Steve’s furniture removal company Philip and Steve’s furniture removal company Philip and Steve’s furniture removal company Philip and Steve’s furniture removal company Philip and Steve’s furniture removal company Philip and Steve’s furniture removal company Philip and Steve’s furniture removal company Philip and Steve’s furniture removal company Philip and Steve’s furniture removal company Philip and Steve’s furniture removal company Philip and Steve’s furniture removal company Philip and Steve’s furniture removal company Philip and Steve’s furniture removal company Philip and Steve’s furniture removal company Philip and Steve’s furniture removal company Philip and Steve’s furniture removal company Philip and Steve’s furniture removal company If you live in New York City in the 1960’s And you’re tired of having your stuff scuffed And tossed about by some Boulez-loving lout Who is out to make your home all atonal Call Philip and Steve’s Furniture Removal Company They will, with minimal disruption to your routine, change your whole scene They’ll take it apart, put it back together Strangely familiar but never quite the same again They’ll do it again, and again, and again…
Opportunity' Knox
Good morning, Ms Monroe Erm, have you got a mo? There’s something you should know It’s about Billy Bird He left without a word And what is more I’ve heard He had apparently been taking liberties with the company accounts Somebody must’ve sneaked ‘cause there’s a vacant seat And that’s what I’m here about You see these opportunities, opportunities They don’t come along too often Opportunities, opportunities You’ve gotta take them whenever you can La la la, la la la, la la la, la la la Opportunities, opportunities You’ve got to grab them with both of your hands I know, it is a shame But if you play that game You’ve no one else to blame But… how’s the family? Perhaps your husband’s free to play some golf with me This couldn’t be your son No, no, you’re much too young And could this be your daughter too? You really are a wonder I’d envy anyone who gets to be under you You know these opportunities, opportunities They don’t come along too often Opportunities, opportunities You’ve gotta take them whenever you can La la la, la la la, la la la, la la la Opportunities, opportunities You’ve got to grab them with both of your hands Good morning, Officers What’s that? You’d like a word Concerning William Bird, hmm… Well yes, we had a drink He went straight home I think This isn’t blood… it’s ink So I have muddy shoes, what’s that to do with you? To own a shovel isn’t odd Hey, take your hands off me! I will come quietly, just tell me Tell me if I’ve got the job?! Because these… Opportunities, opportunities They don’t come along too often Opportunities, opportunities You’ve gotta take them whenever you can Opportunities, opportunities They have come and gone too often Opportunities, opportunities You’ve got to grab them with both of your hands When opportunity knocks… you gotta… urghh
After The Lord Mayor’s Show
When the parade’s moved on After the crowds have gone After the last hurrah The last ta-ran-ta-ran-ta-ra! When the glory boys depart That’s when the real work starts After the Lord Mayor’s show comes the donkey cart I watched the marching bands I saw the children wave Now on this street I stand And it’s as silent as the grave And it’s time to do my dance Time to perfect my art After the Lord Mayor’s show comes the donkey cart Parades will come and go Every year a new star of the show Girls scream as they go past But they, they never seem to last When the glory boys depart That’s when the real work starts After the Lord Mayor’s show After the Lord Mayor’s show After the Lord Mayor’s show comes the donkey cart
When The Working Day Is Done
When the working day is done And the factory whistle blows When the daily race is run And you turn once more for home All the people pushing by As the sun dips in the sky All the songs that go unsung When the working day is done When the working day is through And you’re waiting in the rain For another overdue Overcrowded railway train And the movie poster screams It’s the best film ever seen! But it’s all a different world To which you have never been And you’re bored out of your mind So you keep yourself amused Reading the Financial Times Of the fellow next to you Then something in you snaps And you shout with all your lungs WE GIVE AND GET NOTHING BACK When the working day is done When the working day is done And the factory whistle blows When the daily race is run And you turn once more for home All the people pushing by As the sun dips in the sky All the songs that go unsung When the working day is done