Grand Hotel
Tonight we sleep on silken sheets We drink fine wine and eat rare meats On Carousel and gambling stake Our fortunes speed, and dissipate. It’s candlelight and chandelier, It’s silver plate and crystal clear. The nights we stay at Hotel Grand Tonight we dine at Hotel Ritz. (A golden dish with every wish). It’s mirrored walls, and velvet drapes, Dry champagne, and bursting grapes. Dover sole, and Oeufs Mornay, Profiteroles and Peach Flambe, The waiters dance on fingertips The nights we dine at Hotel Ritz One more toast to greet the morn The wine and dine have danced till dawn Where’s my Continental Bride? We’ll Continental slip and slide Early morning pinch and bite - (These French girls always like to fight) It’s serenade and Sarabande, The nights we stay at Hotel Grand Les nuits qu’on passe a l’Hotel Grande.
Toujours l’amour
She took all the pleasure and none of the pain All of the credit and none of the blame I came home to an empty flat She’d left me a note and taken the cat The cord that they knotted to keep us apart Could never be broken: it was tied to my heart She grew thin and I grew fat She left me and that was that I’m thinking of renting a villa in France A French girl has offered to give me a chance Or maybe I’ll take an excursion to Spain And buy a revolver and blow out my brains
A Rum Tale
She’s fuddled my fancy, she’s muddled me good I’ve taken to drinking, and given up food I’m buying an island, somewhere in the sun I’ll hide from the natives, live only on rum I’m selling my memoirs, I’m writing it down If no one will pay me I’ll burn down the town I’ll rent out an aircraft and print on the sky If God likes my story then maybe he’ll buy I’m buying a ticket for places unknown It’s only a one-way: I’m not coming home She’s swallowed my secret, and taken my name To follow my footsteps and knobble me lame
T.V. Ceasar
T.V. Ceasar Mighty Mouse Holds his court in every house Spied in every crack and corner Watch you eat your TV dinner Creeping in through eyes and ears Finding out your secret fears T.V. Ceasar Mighty Mouse Shares the bed in every house T.V. Ceasar Mighty Mouse Gets the news in every house Who’s been doing what with who How they do it when they do Every saint and every sinner Every fact and every figure T.V. Ceasar Mighty Mouse Fights the flab in every house T.V. Ceasar Mighty Mouse Shares the bed in every house T.V. Ceasar Mighty Mouse Tops the pops in every house Sandwiched in between the ads Something for the mums and dads Great to have you on the show Sorry that you’ve go to go T.V. Ceasar Mighty Mouse Gets the vote in every house T.V. Ceasar Mighty Mouse Shares the bed in every house T.V. Ceasar Mighty Mouse Fights the flab in every house T.V. Ceasar Mighty Mouse Gets the vote in every house
A Souvenir of London
Bought a souvenir in London Got to hide it from my mom Can’t declare it at the Customs But I’ll have to take it home Tried to keep it confidential But the news is leaking out Got a souvenir in London There’s a lot of it about Yes, I found a bit of London I’d like to lose it quick Got to show it to my doctor 'Cause it isn’t going to shrink Want to keep it confidential But the truth is leaking out Got a souvenir in London There’s a lot of it about
Bringing Home the Bacon
Bringing home the bacon, tender juicy steaks Breast-fed baby dumpling gobbling up the cakes Milk-fed baby dumpling, slobbering, goo-faced, mean Wet-nursed sour purse spot face, blubbering in the cream Emperor baby dumpling, loaded, bloated curse Mighty baby dumpling, stuffing 'til he bursts
For Liquorice John
He fell from grace and hit the ground They tried in vain to bring him round No one saw him make the fall They couldn’t understand at all His fall from grace was swift and straight The doctors didn’t hesitate What he had they were not sure He didn’t have a temperature His fall from grace was swift and sure The doctors said they knew no cure. They felt and poked and pushed his pulse He couldn’t understand at all He fell from grace and hit the ground He fell into the sea and drowned They saw him struggling from the harbour They saw him wave as he went under
Fires (Which Burnt Brightly)
This war we are waging is already lost The cause for the fighting has long been a ghost Malice and habit have now won the day The honours we fought for are lost in the fray Standards and bugles are trod in the dust Wounds have burst open, and corridors rust Once proud and truthful, now humbled and bent Fires which burnt brightly, now energies spent Let down the curtain, and exit the play The crowds have gone home and the cast sailed away Our flowers and feathers as scarring as weapons Our poems and letters have turned to deceptions
Robert’s Box
Doctor where’s your remedy? I’ve got enough to pay the fee Can’t you see I’m awful sick? I’ll pay you well to do the trick Doctor where’s your magic box There’s no one here to count the cost Name your price and make the sale There’s no-one here to tell the tale Doctor please don’t lock your door I’ve never troubled you before Just a pinch to ease the pain I’ll never trouble you again